Dancing with baselines

I remember the first post on this blog. I was high on steroids and bubbling with Joie de vivre after a simple corrective surgery after years of wondering. Then the posts turned dark as my thoughts went darker, and that reflected in my every day. This time around, I'm struggling not to look for darkness everywhere. I am afraid to hope, to have an optimistic prognosis when something positive happens. Perspective is still required.

 "Perspective still required!"

Anybody who's ever stepped foot in a gym; is self-aware and/or not a narcissist, like me, can attest to the feeling of insufficiency I describe. In Neuro-rehab for the whole month, I see both terribly hurt and recovering patients and disgustingly fit people. As I sit panting after fifteen or so minutes of biking, I see my instructor lifting weights. The muscles I had no idea exist in a human body on his body make me avoid his half of the gym. In my peripheral vision, I immediately recognize other never-me-level fit people at various machines, and I avoid all those sections. Sometimes, the only place I can let my gaze settle on is below my nose. Me, my nose, and my music exist in our world. My baseline for fitness is me from last week. By that measure, I am making terrific progress. 

 "My baseline for fitness is me from last week = Progress!"

The song of the week is Dance with me tonight. Sometimes, inspirational words sound impossibly bombastic. I cannot then listen to Mozart or Yo-Yo Ma and wonder at their excellence. I cannot watch a tennis match on the screen and see consistently excellent people like Federer or Nadal or Djokovic; cannot watch, hear or even think about excellence and admirable when I feel so much the loser. What I need then, are lower baselines. Like Jon Stewart says, when you listen to Bruce Springsteen, you're not a loser- you're a character in an epic poem about the adventures of losers. I find even Bruce and Bob Dylan are too lofty for my level of chaos, so I look for more commonplace. Hugh Grant was my level of dumbed-down music this week, given that this song apparently was written by a child, according to the infallibly reliable sources online.

...you're a character in an epic poem about the adventures of ...losers !

A number of interesting coincidences happened this week. I was constantly talking to myself, often saying, "Would you shut up, man!" and the Trump-Biden debate happened! I say it all the time to my brain - it is loud, irritating, bombastic and thinks it is more relevant that it really is: ergo, it's a man!

"... my brain is loud, irritating, bombastic and thinks it is more relevant that it really is: ergo, it's a man!"

Incidentally, Dancing with baselines has something relevant to a BTS album - that I had no idea before- though I am really sure it means nothing about the mathematical baselines I meant. "Shut up, Brain!" is also a popular podcast I didn't know before this blog post. On the positive side, The Serendipity Mindset, a book I read this week, suggests our being more observant brings our attention to potential opportunities that we otherwise might have missed. It's all in apiece. Hang in there, may be new muscles will indeed pop up in our psyche.

In recap, a Yo-yoing week. Progress made was made unnoticed because I was too busy being dissatisfied. Introspection cures that. Definite growth!

"Introspection cures Rumination!"