BrainSurged

I remember the first post on this blog. I was high on steroids and bubbling with Joie de vivre after a simple corrective surgery after years of wondering. Then the posts turned dark as my thoughts went darker, and that reflected in my every day. This time around, I'm struggling not to look for darkness everywhere. I am afraid to hope, to have an optimistic prognosis when something positive happens. Perspective is still required.  "Perspective still required!" Anybody who's ever stepped foot in a gym; is self-aware and/or not a narcissist, like me, can attest to the feeling of insufficiency I describe. In Neuro-rehab for the whole month, I see both terribly hurt and recovering patients and disgustingly fit people. As I sit panting after fifteen or so minutes of biking, I see my instructor lifting weights. The muscles I had no idea exist in a human body on his body make me avoid his half of the gym. In my peripheral vision, I immediately recognize other never-me-level f...

       It's been longer than a month since I blogged. It started in a funk - I was depressed and my writing was making everybody else depressed. I stopped my musing online since I didn't want a legacy like Goethe's - and end up with a future Wikipedia entry that reads: "good enough writer, but people died by suicide after reading her blog!". I also stopped writing because I felt like nothing was worth it. Depression is just a symptom and one cannot put a plaster on a seeping wound by not addressing the cause. In my case, my shunt was broken and has been probably for the past year. Thought you had a bad 2020? I have you beat there!      Anyway, one more drilling and now I am back where I was a year ago- corrective brain surgery is done and waiting for the rest of my life to begin- albeit a more subdued, less optimistic, more realistic me now. If you had wondered why I wouldn't shut up about my little brain surgery from a year ago, this was why. It wasn'...